She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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