I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
