someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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