My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
