No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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