when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
