it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
