it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
