How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
