my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
