I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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