Apparently you make a good broom.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
