Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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