M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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