I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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