life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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