Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
