and i looked up. we had an audience...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
