apparently the secret to your success is patron
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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