hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
