new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
