alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
