everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You've changed since you got that strap on
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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