Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
