We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
