If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
