My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
