She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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