My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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