i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
