mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
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