I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
