yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
