If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
