i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
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