If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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