you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
