Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
