dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Soap is not a condiment
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
