You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Randomize
