In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
