I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
