One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
