I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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