i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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