i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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