I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
