I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
