Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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