Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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