rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
