I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I think my moral compass just broke
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