i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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