you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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