We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
