I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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