and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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