"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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