hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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