Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
